Sometimes you're the windshield

So I've fallen off the wagon for this 30 day meme, but I'll get back on eventually. I have stuff on my mind today.

I'm lonely. I have friends, and I live with family. I'm not alone, but I am lonely. It's hard to go through the day surrounded by people but constantly feel like they don't really care. People may ask, but these days it doesn't seem like they really care.

I have no one here who will just sit with me. Some days all I need is a hug and someone to tell me things are going to be okay. I'm not good at telling people what my problems are, but that doesn't mean they don't bother me. I miss having someone know that something was wrong and be able to call me on it. I miss knowing that someone cares enough to make me talk about things. I'm a guarded person, but those people who can push through and knock down my walls truly are important.

It seems more and more like people ask what's wrong just so they can make it about them. At this point, it's almost easier to stay quiet and pretend everything is okay. I miss being surrounded by people who truly know me, and I'm lonely without them.

30 day meme: Day 2

Today's post is a photo of something you ate today.

I had to work at 5, so I ate dinner early instead of starving at work. We had leftover ham in the fridge, but I wasn't feeling that. Sometimes you have all this food, but only want one thing. It would have been easier to heat up leftovers, but I was craving pasta.

I made some shell noodles and then found some alfredo sauce in the pantry.

I decided after eating it that the Great Value brand of alfredo sauce is not as good as the name brand, It's nice saving money on it, but the brand name tastes much better.

Maybe next time I'll stick to putting butter on my noodles instead of buying cheap alfredo sauce.

Tomorrow Jenn & I are going to St. Louis for the Preds game, so there probably won't be a post. I highly doubt I'll get up in the morning to blog. Considering I haven't packed yet, I'll probably be throwing a bag together.

30 day meme: Day 1

Day 1: A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was

I took this picture today, just for the blog, so feel special!

Today I woke up around 6am so I could register for classes. I managed to get into the final 4 classes I need to graduate in May. I'm pretty excited about the end being in sight :)

After I finished registering, I got ready for the day. I was ready early, like well before I needed to leave for class. I decided to go to Starbucks.
There's a barista there who likes me. He was flirting with me when I got my coffee before work on Saturday. And today he gave me a discount on my Peppermint mocha & told me he liked my earrings. Needless to say, I had a pretty good start to my day.

I made it to campus in time to walk to class with Heather. She told me a little but about her trip to California, and then we parted ways for class.

I took about 8 million pages of notes in class. She told us we're getting our next take home test next Tuesday. Thankfully, we don't have class Thursday (Thanks vets!). Me and Bryan discussed our group project and how we'll probably end up doing most of the work.

Then I went home to burn Ciara Taylor Swift's new CD. I had a package waiting for me. She bought me a Jeff Carter Flyers shirt for my birthday :)

I had to go to Wal-Mart to get a bubble mailer & coffee creamer. Then I went to the post office to mail Ciara's stuff.

And now I'm home writing this blog and watching "Intervention."

I have to work later tonight, and maybe I'll get some homework done.

30 day meme

Ashley & Sarah were doing this, so I borrowed it from them. Now that life has settled down a bit, I figured I'd go ahead and take a stab at it. I'm not the best at keeping up with blogger. I can't guarantee I'll write everyday, but I'll do my best!

Day 1- A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was
Day 2- A photo of something you ate today
Day 3- Your idea of a perfect first date
Day 4- Your favorite photo of your best friend
Day 5- A photo of yourself two years ago
Day 6- A photo of an animal you'd love to keep as a pet
Day 7- Your dream wedding
Day 8- A song to match your mood
Day 9- A photo of the item you last purchased
Day 10- A photo of your favorite place to eat
Day 11- What's in your makeup bag
Day 12- A photograph of the town you live in
Day 13- Your favorite musician and why
Day 14- A TV show you're currently addicted to
Day 15- Something you don't leave your house without
Day 16- Your celebrity crush
Day 17- A photo of you and your family
Day 18- Something you crave a lot
Day 19- Another picture of yourself
Day 20- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 21- A photo of something that makes you happy
Day 22- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 23- 15 facts about you
Day 24- A photo of something that means a lot to you
Day 25- What's in your purse?
Day 26- A photo of somewhere you've been to
Day 27- A picture of you last year and now and how you changed since then
Day 28- Your favorite movie
Day 29- Something you could never get tired of doing
Day 30- A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

Back from vacation!

But that's not what I'm going to write about today. Maybe tomorrow, or this weekend. My mind just isn't focused on that right now.

I'm in a peeved mood. It really irritates me when I act more mature than friends who are older than me. I feel like I'm more responsible than many of the people I know. It drives me crazy to watch people make terrible decisions and then try to justify them. Just because you're making all these excuses doesn't make it okay.

Now this isn't me getting on my high horse and saying I'm better than everyone else because I know that I make bad decisions too. I'm just fed up with people always talking about money, but never changing their habits. Living paycheck to paycheck is not a healthy way of life. You need to have savings in case of emergencies. Giving up things you enjoy is part of changing this habit. It's necessary. Saying no to going out is okay. Yes, it may suck, and you may be bored, but if you want to be independent, you HAVE to.

I really want to use my business degree to help people in this facet of life. I want to help people because I know that being responsible with your money is hard. I just wish parents raised their kids with a better sense of money. Maybe then we wouldn't have all these problems. There should be classes for parents to help their children understand money. I feel like that would fix a lot of the problems, but the parents have to be willing to change as well. It seems like a vicious circle. I'm just fed up with going over the same crap conversation after conversation. It gets old watching people do the same things over and over.

I'm no model

I did a photoshoot with my friend Heather today. She's doing a project for her art class & having people hold signs answering the question "If you could say one thing to the world, what would it be?"

My answer to this question was "You're not alone."

It's simple, but powerful if you've ever struggled with what you're going through or your place in the world. And in my almost 22 years on this earth, I've struggled with a lot. I felt like I needed a profound message, but this one worked for me, simple as it was.

After we looked through the pictures, I realized I didn't really like any. I feel like I looked fat and uncomfortable. Just another struggle with body image I guess. I just don't think I'm photogenic.

Heather said the ones where I was sitting and holding the sign were good, so I guess they'll do. If I like it enough maybe I'll put it on facebook if she sends them to me.

Jackie's and Heather's pictures look great though. They're both beautiful. I have gorgeous friends :)

I loved her idea for this project though. Everyone has something they want or need to say, and this gives them the chance to share. I wish I was creative like that.

Is my best enough?

I know I'm a good friend, but every once in awhile things happen that make me wonder. I'm always there for my friends, no matter what. But sometimes I wonder if I'm there in the ways they need me. I don't always have the right words to say or know what I can say to make things better.

One of my friends recently went through a divorce. Having never been in that situation, I've found it really hard to know what to say to try to take the sting off a little. She's been there for me, and has always known what to say to me when I've had guy issues. Now that she needs me to return the favor, I'm worried I can't do as good as she did.

Is there ever really a right thing to be said in situations like this? I've found myself asking myself that question and coming up blank. I'm doing the best I can, and saying what I think needs to be said. I just hope I'm not letting her or anyone else down as a friend. I've got huge expectations for myself not only in life, but in my relationships with other people.

What's next?

The future is currently scaring the crap out of me. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a creature of habit and not a big fan of change.

So, my upcoming graduation from college has me freaked out. It's taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to get where I am, and now that the end is in sight, I've got all these reservations. If I'm being completely honest, I really want to be a stay at home mom, but seeing as how I have no husband or kids, I have to do something else. In my last post I said I think I've figured out what I want to do: financial planning. Now I'm worrying about how to get into that field and get certified to do it.

I've been at my current job for almost 4 years, and it's scary for me to think about starting over somewhere else. In some ways I'm still that scared teenager who was afraid to start her first job and can't imagine not living at home.

The changes that are bound to take place in the next year of my life are pretty serious. I'll be a college graduate, looking for and hopefully finding a full time job, looking for my own place, possibly moving to another city, and God knows what else. I'm afraid to be thrust into the real world and forced to grow up. Everyone says it will be fine, but no one really knows. So many things could go wrong and throw my entire life out of whack. That's a lot of stress and worry for an almost 22 year old.

I've been looking forward to graduating for so long that I forgot what was going to come after. Life after college is fast approaching, and each day I'm getting more anxious.

It's a beautiful life

I had planned on doing the 30 day meme that Sarah & Ashley are both doing. But since I leave for the cruise in a week and a half, it'll have to wait until I get back. No blogging on the cruise! Pretty excited to get away for a week. We leave the 9th for Jacksonville, and the ship leaves the 11th for Key West and the Bahamas. Excited is an understatement. Even though I'm going with my parents, it's going to be awesome I'm missing the Preds home opener & a Blues game, but I feel like this is the better end of the deal. There will be many more hockey games. Plus if this cruise is as awesome as I think it's going to be, another one may be in the plans for spring break. California (San Jose) was the original plan for spring break, but it's actually pretty chilly there in March. So, we're going in a different direction, and not making spring break about seeing hockey games. As long as I'm somewhere warm with a drink in my hand, I'll be happy!

I'm also looking into going to Wisconsin for a weekend sometime in November. My grandfather isn't doing too well, so I probably need to go up there and visit. It's been awhile.

School is going just about as well as could be expected. Having 3 online classes is definitely a challenge, but I'm doing ok. The stress levels have been getting pretty high, but I've gotten pretty good at managing.

I think I've figured out what I want to do after graduation: financial planning. I don't want to deal so much with the investment side, but helping people make budgets for themselves would be fulfilling. I may have to get a different job while I figure out the certification and other requirements for it, but it's nice to finally have a direction to take my degree after struggling with the decision for awhile.

Sarah told me I need to blog more, so I need to find some inspirations for topics to write about. Life updates was a good place to start. But my life isn't exciting enough to write about every day.

She's alive!

Since we are no longer allowed to get online at work, both of my blogs have fallen by the wayside. You would think that summer would have provided more time to update this, but working two jobs has been pretty exhausting.
I also think I've got some health issues going on. My hormones must be really out of whack. My periods are really irregular, I get dark hairs on my face and arms, and I can just burst into tears for no reason. I am a big ball of hormones and emotions. I am going to the doctor this Wednesday. First pap smear so I'm a little nervous. Ok, a lot nervous. I hate the unknown, but I know this is something that needs to be done. I'm hoping to get some answers on this hormonal issue, maybe some medication or something. I'm tired of feeling crazy all the time.
I feel like I'm ready to go back to school. There's still about a month left of vacation, but I want to get back to class and get it over with. Two more semesters left, and I'm every bit of ready for it. Again, I am nervous about life after college, but it'll be a new challenge. Whatever happens, God has a plan, and I have to believe that.
Lots of things are changing in life these days. Friends are falling by the wayside and relationships are changing. I have found out who my real friends are in the past few months. Losing friends sucks, but I can't have these toxic relationships in my life anymore. I have to change things for me. Kaily is also moving to Colorado. For real this time. She's leaving around the 15th of August. And yes, she just decided this like two weeks ago. Again, I don't agree with the decision, but she's gonna do what she wants. I just hope she doesn't come to regret the rash decision. She hasn't thought of the full gravity of it: losing insurance, etc. so she'll soon found out just how hard it is. Hope she knows that it's hard to just pick up and move back across the country after you realize you're wrong. I want to prevent her from making the same mistake moving out too early like I did, but she's got her mind set. So we'll see how it all works out.
I don't even want to talk about Jacob. This summer has sucked with the weight of that weighing on me day in and day out. Only about 2 months until I have to deal with that awkwardness weekly. Frankly, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. Trying not to get in my head about it.
Life's just been trying lately and I'm getting emotionally overwhelmed.

Not what I'd hoped

My head has been so full the past week or so. For not really having school or work to worry about, I've been stressing myself out.
The Predators season ended about a week ago, which meant it was the last chance for anything to happen between Jacob and I before the long summer began. I think I made it fairly obvious what I wanted when we were sitting there talking. He's either a complete moron or he wasn't ever interested at all. Not only did the conversation not go as I had hoped, I was cock blocked by a 40+ year old man. We were clearly in a conversation, not even talking about hockey mind you, and Jacob's stalker just plops down at our table and starts talking about the game. At that point, I pretty much knew it was over. The conversation was all hockey from that point on, until I just couldn't take it anymore, said my goodbyes, and went to walk back to the garage with Kelly and Jenn.
I'm really disappointed with the way it all went. Thinking about the texts that had been exchanged throughout the season and the night at Tootsie's just irritates me now. That night was one of my favorites and I had a smile on my face for a week. Jenn was there, but he had invited me and that felt good. I thought that was where things would all change. Obviously, I was mistaken. I even made an effort, inviting him out after a game for a drink, only to be fed something about how he had a lot going on and didn't really have time. I get that, I really do. He works hard and is still in school, but give me a break here.
I don't think there was anything else I could have done to steer this in another direction, and that sucks. Over the past few months I really started to like him. I was like a teenage girl with a crush, lighting up whenever I got a text from him. But now I find myself in this situation where I've been let down and have to find a way to get over it. It took me a long time to get over Scott, and there are some days I wonder if I really am. This thing with Jacob isn't the same, by any means, but I thought there was something there, and I may have fallen for him just a bit. I don't think he's a douche. Sometimes I wish he was; it would make getting over him easier, but he's always been great to me.
The last straw, after the last game, was when I texted him the other day just to make sure he hadn't been flooded out. I didn't get a response, which really irritated me. I realized that while I took the time to care about and check on him, he didn't care to respond. Why should I make someone a priority when I'm only an option? It's a quote I've heard dozens of times, but I think it applies. I feel like I'm an option with a lot of people, and a lot of the guys in my past. I just want one person to make me a priority. Lots of times I feel like I'm not even a priority in my own life, and maybe that's the problem. I'll take this Florida trip next week to reflect on it and see what I can do differently.
My self-esteem has come a long way in the past few years, but maybe there's still some work to be done. I mentioned to a couple friends about how sometimes I felt like Jacob was too good for me, like I wasn't his type. He seems so clean cut and mature, while I'm pretty rough around the edges and can act like a 12 year old. Naturally they told me to shut up, that no one was too good for me. It quelled some of my thoughts for a little while, but they still creep up every once in awhile. Your friends are supposed to say stuff like that, but sometimes you are your own worst enemy.
I hate that there are now about 5 months until we'll see each other again. He tried to make it ok, saying that there was always the draft party. That only pissed me off more. I felt like I was being blown off. Maybe not seeing him 2 or 3 times a week will help getting over him, but we'll be back in the same situation this fall. I have to try and just be friends with him. Obviously that's where I stand with him, so I have to make the best of it. I just hate being back in this situation. I've sat around just thinking about him, trying to pick out faults to try and make it easier, but it hasn't helped. There isn't any easy way to get over someone. I'm trying to do it without making myself feel emo, but so far it's been hard.
"Desperation, there's danger in frustration." -Miranda Lambert "Desperation"
I don't think I'm desperate by any means. Frustrated, yes. Just get lonely sometimes.

This isn't a post to get any sympathy or anything. I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Writing it down makes me feel better, since I'm not really the best at communicating stuff.

Is it really almost March?

This semester seems to be flying by. Spring break is the week after next. It's already March! I'm not complaining by any means. I am so ready for summer! Me and Ciara will be going to Destin for Chastity's wedding in May, and I cannot wait to be on the beach for some relaxation!
Classes are going well this semester. After this, I only have 2 left, and that prospect thrills me! Granted I have no idea what I want to do after graduation, but I'm choosing to ignore that. I'm just ready to be done with sitting through lectures in crowded classrooms.
Work is going ok. I'm still covering for everyone all the time. I got roped into working spring break, so that should be fun. I am getting better at the whole asking off and not worrying about it. If other people get their weeks off, I'm going to get my measly one day that I ask for. I'm growing balls! Yay progress! Jennifer's maternity leave started yesterday, so the mess of getting the other girls to work started Friday night with me working alone and today with the girl working a half day. Guess some coverage is better than none right?
The Olympic break is almost over and there have been some ups and downs in my "relationship" with Jacob. I've made an idiot out of myself more than once while talking to him, but we seem to still be on track. At least I hope so. He was giving me grief for cheering for Canada last night. He only seems to text me about hockey related stuff. If that's how he gets the nerve to talk to me, then I'm perfectly ok with that. I'm ready to get back to the arena and get some more face time though. I've missed that over the past almost month now. We both seem to be pretty inept at this, so we'll see where it goes from here.
I paid for my Predators playoff tickets in full. So if they flop and disappoint at least that money will go to my balance. Sarah is coming back to visit in three weeks. We're going to St. Louis and I am so excited! Can't believe it crept up already. Seriously, time is flying. It's insane! But I'm excited to see my BFF again, even if only for 2 days or so :)

Guess I'll go back to being bored at work.
An hour and a half longer.....