Thursday, May 6, 2010

Not what I'd hoped

My head has been so full the past week or so. For not really having school or work to worry about, I've been stressing myself out.
The Predators season ended about a week ago, which meant it was the last chance for anything to happen between Jacob and I before the long summer began. I think I made it fairly obvious what I wanted when we were sitting there talking. He's either a complete moron or he wasn't ever interested at all. Not only did the conversation not go as I had hoped, I was cock blocked by a 40+ year old man. We were clearly in a conversation, not even talking about hockey mind you, and Jacob's stalker just plops down at our table and starts talking about the game. At that point, I pretty much knew it was over. The conversation was all hockey from that point on, until I just couldn't take it anymore, said my goodbyes, and went to walk back to the garage with Kelly and Jenn.
I'm really disappointed with the way it all went. Thinking about the texts that had been exchanged throughout the season and the night at Tootsie's just irritates me now. That night was one of my favorites and I had a smile on my face for a week. Jenn was there, but he had invited me and that felt good. I thought that was where things would all change. Obviously, I was mistaken. I even made an effort, inviting him out after a game for a drink, only to be fed something about how he had a lot going on and didn't really have time. I get that, I really do. He works hard and is still in school, but give me a break here.
I don't think there was anything else I could have done to steer this in another direction, and that sucks. Over the past few months I really started to like him. I was like a teenage girl with a crush, lighting up whenever I got a text from him. But now I find myself in this situation where I've been let down and have to find a way to get over it. It took me a long time to get over Scott, and there are some days I wonder if I really am. This thing with Jacob isn't the same, by any means, but I thought there was something there, and I may have fallen for him just a bit. I don't think he's a douche. Sometimes I wish he was; it would make getting over him easier, but he's always been great to me.
The last straw, after the last game, was when I texted him the other day just to make sure he hadn't been flooded out. I didn't get a response, which really irritated me. I realized that while I took the time to care about and check on him, he didn't care to respond. Why should I make someone a priority when I'm only an option? It's a quote I've heard dozens of times, but I think it applies. I feel like I'm an option with a lot of people, and a lot of the guys in my past. I just want one person to make me a priority. Lots of times I feel like I'm not even a priority in my own life, and maybe that's the problem. I'll take this Florida trip next week to reflect on it and see what I can do differently.
My self-esteem has come a long way in the past few years, but maybe there's still some work to be done. I mentioned to a couple friends about how sometimes I felt like Jacob was too good for me, like I wasn't his type. He seems so clean cut and mature, while I'm pretty rough around the edges and can act like a 12 year old. Naturally they told me to shut up, that no one was too good for me. It quelled some of my thoughts for a little while, but they still creep up every once in awhile. Your friends are supposed to say stuff like that, but sometimes you are your own worst enemy.
I hate that there are now about 5 months until we'll see each other again. He tried to make it ok, saying that there was always the draft party. That only pissed me off more. I felt like I was being blown off. Maybe not seeing him 2 or 3 times a week will help getting over him, but we'll be back in the same situation this fall. I have to try and just be friends with him. Obviously that's where I stand with him, so I have to make the best of it. I just hate being back in this situation. I've sat around just thinking about him, trying to pick out faults to try and make it easier, but it hasn't helped. There isn't any easy way to get over someone. I'm trying to do it without making myself feel emo, but so far it's been hard.
"Desperation, there's danger in frustration." -Miranda Lambert "Desperation"
I don't think I'm desperate by any means. Frustrated, yes. Just get lonely sometimes.

This isn't a post to get any sympathy or anything. I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Writing it down makes me feel better, since I'm not really the best at communicating stuff.