I know I'm a good friend, but every once in awhile things happen that make me wonder. I'm always there for my friends, no matter what. But sometimes I wonder if I'm there in the ways they need me. I don't always have the right words to say or know what I can say to make things better.
One of my friends recently went through a divorce. Having never been in that situation, I've found it really hard to know what to say to try to take the sting off a little. She's been there for me, and has always known what to say to me when I've had guy issues. Now that she needs me to return the favor, I'm worried I can't do as good as she did.
Is there ever really a right thing to be said in situations like this? I've found myself asking myself that question and coming up blank. I'm doing the best I can, and saying what I think needs to be said. I just hope I'm not letting her or anyone else down as a friend. I've got huge expectations for myself not only in life, but in my relationships with other people.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
What's next?
The future is currently scaring the crap out of me. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a creature of habit and not a big fan of change.
So, my upcoming graduation from college has me freaked out. It's taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to get where I am, and now that the end is in sight, I've got all these reservations. If I'm being completely honest, I really want to be a stay at home mom, but seeing as how I have no husband or kids, I have to do something else. In my last post I said I think I've figured out what I want to do: financial planning. Now I'm worrying about how to get into that field and get certified to do it.
I've been at my current job for almost 4 years, and it's scary for me to think about starting over somewhere else. In some ways I'm still that scared teenager who was afraid to start her first job and can't imagine not living at home.
The changes that are bound to take place in the next year of my life are pretty serious. I'll be a college graduate, looking for and hopefully finding a full time job, looking for my own place, possibly moving to another city, and God knows what else. I'm afraid to be thrust into the real world and forced to grow up. Everyone says it will be fine, but no one really knows. So many things could go wrong and throw my entire life out of whack. That's a lot of stress and worry for an almost 22 year old.
I've been looking forward to graduating for so long that I forgot what was going to come after. Life after college is fast approaching, and each day I'm getting more anxious.
So, my upcoming graduation from college has me freaked out. It's taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to get where I am, and now that the end is in sight, I've got all these reservations. If I'm being completely honest, I really want to be a stay at home mom, but seeing as how I have no husband or kids, I have to do something else. In my last post I said I think I've figured out what I want to do: financial planning. Now I'm worrying about how to get into that field and get certified to do it.
I've been at my current job for almost 4 years, and it's scary for me to think about starting over somewhere else. In some ways I'm still that scared teenager who was afraid to start her first job and can't imagine not living at home.
The changes that are bound to take place in the next year of my life are pretty serious. I'll be a college graduate, looking for and hopefully finding a full time job, looking for my own place, possibly moving to another city, and God knows what else. I'm afraid to be thrust into the real world and forced to grow up. Everyone says it will be fine, but no one really knows. So many things could go wrong and throw my entire life out of whack. That's a lot of stress and worry for an almost 22 year old.
I've been looking forward to graduating for so long that I forgot what was going to come after. Life after college is fast approaching, and each day I'm getting more anxious.
Monday, September 27, 2010
It's a beautiful life
I had planned on doing the 30 day meme that Sarah & Ashley are both doing. But since I leave for the cruise in a week and a half, it'll have to wait until I get back. No blogging on the cruise! Pretty excited to get away for a week. We leave the 9th for Jacksonville, and the ship leaves the 11th for Key West and the Bahamas. Excited is an understatement. Even though I'm going with my parents, it's going to be awesome I'm missing the Preds home opener & a Blues game, but I feel like this is the better end of the deal. There will be many more hockey games. Plus if this cruise is as awesome as I think it's going to be, another one may be in the plans for spring break. California (San Jose) was the original plan for spring break, but it's actually pretty chilly there in March. So, we're going in a different direction, and not making spring break about seeing hockey games. As long as I'm somewhere warm with a drink in my hand, I'll be happy!
I'm also looking into going to Wisconsin for a weekend sometime in November. My grandfather isn't doing too well, so I probably need to go up there and visit. It's been awhile.
School is going just about as well as could be expected. Having 3 online classes is definitely a challenge, but I'm doing ok. The stress levels have been getting pretty high, but I've gotten pretty good at managing.
I think I've figured out what I want to do after graduation: financial planning. I don't want to deal so much with the investment side, but helping people make budgets for themselves would be fulfilling. I may have to get a different job while I figure out the certification and other requirements for it, but it's nice to finally have a direction to take my degree after struggling with the decision for awhile.
Sarah told me I need to blog more, so I need to find some inspirations for topics to write about. Life updates was a good place to start. But my life isn't exciting enough to write about every day.
I'm also looking into going to Wisconsin for a weekend sometime in November. My grandfather isn't doing too well, so I probably need to go up there and visit. It's been awhile.
School is going just about as well as could be expected. Having 3 online classes is definitely a challenge, but I'm doing ok. The stress levels have been getting pretty high, but I've gotten pretty good at managing.
I think I've figured out what I want to do after graduation: financial planning. I don't want to deal so much with the investment side, but helping people make budgets for themselves would be fulfilling. I may have to get a different job while I figure out the certification and other requirements for it, but it's nice to finally have a direction to take my degree after struggling with the decision for awhile.
Sarah told me I need to blog more, so I need to find some inspirations for topics to write about. Life updates was a good place to start. But my life isn't exciting enough to write about every day.
Monday, July 26, 2010
She's alive!
Since we are no longer allowed to get online at work, both of my blogs have fallen by the wayside. You would think that summer would have provided more time to update this, but working two jobs has been pretty exhausting.
I also think I've got some health issues going on. My hormones must be really out of whack. My periods are really irregular, I get dark hairs on my face and arms, and I can just burst into tears for no reason. I am a big ball of hormones and emotions. I am going to the doctor this Wednesday. First pap smear so I'm a little nervous. Ok, a lot nervous. I hate the unknown, but I know this is something that needs to be done. I'm hoping to get some answers on this hormonal issue, maybe some medication or something. I'm tired of feeling crazy all the time.
I feel like I'm ready to go back to school. There's still about a month left of vacation, but I want to get back to class and get it over with. Two more semesters left, and I'm every bit of ready for it. Again, I am nervous about life after college, but it'll be a new challenge. Whatever happens, God has a plan, and I have to believe that.
Lots of things are changing in life these days. Friends are falling by the wayside and relationships are changing. I have found out who my real friends are in the past few months. Losing friends sucks, but I can't have these toxic relationships in my life anymore. I have to change things for me. Kaily is also moving to Colorado. For real this time. She's leaving around the 15th of August. And yes, she just decided this like two weeks ago. Again, I don't agree with the decision, but she's gonna do what she wants. I just hope she doesn't come to regret the rash decision. She hasn't thought of the full gravity of it: losing insurance, etc. so she'll soon found out just how hard it is. Hope she knows that it's hard to just pick up and move back across the country after you realize you're wrong. I want to prevent her from making the same mistake moving out too early like I did, but she's got her mind set. So we'll see how it all works out.
I don't even want to talk about Jacob. This summer has sucked with the weight of that weighing on me day in and day out. Only about 2 months until I have to deal with that awkwardness weekly. Frankly, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. Trying not to get in my head about it.
Life's just been trying lately and I'm getting emotionally overwhelmed.
I also think I've got some health issues going on. My hormones must be really out of whack. My periods are really irregular, I get dark hairs on my face and arms, and I can just burst into tears for no reason. I am a big ball of hormones and emotions. I am going to the doctor this Wednesday. First pap smear so I'm a little nervous. Ok, a lot nervous. I hate the unknown, but I know this is something that needs to be done. I'm hoping to get some answers on this hormonal issue, maybe some medication or something. I'm tired of feeling crazy all the time.
I feel like I'm ready to go back to school. There's still about a month left of vacation, but I want to get back to class and get it over with. Two more semesters left, and I'm every bit of ready for it. Again, I am nervous about life after college, but it'll be a new challenge. Whatever happens, God has a plan, and I have to believe that.
Lots of things are changing in life these days. Friends are falling by the wayside and relationships are changing. I have found out who my real friends are in the past few months. Losing friends sucks, but I can't have these toxic relationships in my life anymore. I have to change things for me. Kaily is also moving to Colorado. For real this time. She's leaving around the 15th of August. And yes, she just decided this like two weeks ago. Again, I don't agree with the decision, but she's gonna do what she wants. I just hope she doesn't come to regret the rash decision. She hasn't thought of the full gravity of it: losing insurance, etc. so she'll soon found out just how hard it is. Hope she knows that it's hard to just pick up and move back across the country after you realize you're wrong. I want to prevent her from making the same mistake moving out too early like I did, but she's got her mind set. So we'll see how it all works out.
I don't even want to talk about Jacob. This summer has sucked with the weight of that weighing on me day in and day out. Only about 2 months until I have to deal with that awkwardness weekly. Frankly, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. Trying not to get in my head about it.
Life's just been trying lately and I'm getting emotionally overwhelmed.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Not what I'd hoped
My head has been so full the past week or so. For not really having school or work to worry about, I've been stressing myself out.
The Predators season ended about a week ago, which meant it was the last chance for anything to happen between Jacob and I before the long summer began. I think I made it fairly obvious what I wanted when we were sitting there talking. He's either a complete moron or he wasn't ever interested at all. Not only did the conversation not go as I had hoped, I was cock blocked by a 40+ year old man. We were clearly in a conversation, not even talking about hockey mind you, and Jacob's stalker just plops down at our table and starts talking about the game. At that point, I pretty much knew it was over. The conversation was all hockey from that point on, until I just couldn't take it anymore, said my goodbyes, and went to walk back to the garage with Kelly and Jenn.
I'm really disappointed with the way it all went. Thinking about the texts that had been exchanged throughout the season and the night at Tootsie's just irritates me now. That night was one of my favorites and I had a smile on my face for a week. Jenn was there, but he had invited me and that felt good. I thought that was where things would all change. Obviously, I was mistaken. I even made an effort, inviting him out after a game for a drink, only to be fed something about how he had a lot going on and didn't really have time. I get that, I really do. He works hard and is still in school, but give me a break here.
I don't think there was anything else I could have done to steer this in another direction, and that sucks. Over the past few months I really started to like him. I was like a teenage girl with a crush, lighting up whenever I got a text from him. But now I find myself in this situation where I've been let down and have to find a way to get over it. It took me a long time to get over Scott, and there are some days I wonder if I really am. This thing with Jacob isn't the same, by any means, but I thought there was something there, and I may have fallen for him just a bit. I don't think he's a douche. Sometimes I wish he was; it would make getting over him easier, but he's always been great to me.
The last straw, after the last game, was when I texted him the other day just to make sure he hadn't been flooded out. I didn't get a response, which really irritated me. I realized that while I took the time to care about and check on him, he didn't care to respond. Why should I make someone a priority when I'm only an option? It's a quote I've heard dozens of times, but I think it applies. I feel like I'm an option with a lot of people, and a lot of the guys in my past. I just want one person to make me a priority. Lots of times I feel like I'm not even a priority in my own life, and maybe that's the problem. I'll take this Florida trip next week to reflect on it and see what I can do differently.
My self-esteem has come a long way in the past few years, but maybe there's still some work to be done. I mentioned to a couple friends about how sometimes I felt like Jacob was too good for me, like I wasn't his type. He seems so clean cut and mature, while I'm pretty rough around the edges and can act like a 12 year old. Naturally they told me to shut up, that no one was too good for me. It quelled some of my thoughts for a little while, but they still creep up every once in awhile. Your friends are supposed to say stuff like that, but sometimes you are your own worst enemy.
I hate that there are now about 5 months until we'll see each other again. He tried to make it ok, saying that there was always the draft party. That only pissed me off more. I felt like I was being blown off. Maybe not seeing him 2 or 3 times a week will help getting over him, but we'll be back in the same situation this fall. I have to try and just be friends with him. Obviously that's where I stand with him, so I have to make the best of it. I just hate being back in this situation. I've sat around just thinking about him, trying to pick out faults to try and make it easier, but it hasn't helped. There isn't any easy way to get over someone. I'm trying to do it without making myself feel emo, but so far it's been hard.
"Desperation, there's danger in frustration." -Miranda Lambert "Desperation"
I don't think I'm desperate by any means. Frustrated, yes. Just get lonely sometimes.
This isn't a post to get any sympathy or anything. I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Writing it down makes me feel better, since I'm not really the best at communicating stuff.
The Predators season ended about a week ago, which meant it was the last chance for anything to happen between Jacob and I before the long summer began. I think I made it fairly obvious what I wanted when we were sitting there talking. He's either a complete moron or he wasn't ever interested at all. Not only did the conversation not go as I had hoped, I was cock blocked by a 40+ year old man. We were clearly in a conversation, not even talking about hockey mind you, and Jacob's stalker just plops down at our table and starts talking about the game. At that point, I pretty much knew it was over. The conversation was all hockey from that point on, until I just couldn't take it anymore, said my goodbyes, and went to walk back to the garage with Kelly and Jenn.
I'm really disappointed with the way it all went. Thinking about the texts that had been exchanged throughout the season and the night at Tootsie's just irritates me now. That night was one of my favorites and I had a smile on my face for a week. Jenn was there, but he had invited me and that felt good. I thought that was where things would all change. Obviously, I was mistaken. I even made an effort, inviting him out after a game for a drink, only to be fed something about how he had a lot going on and didn't really have time. I get that, I really do. He works hard and is still in school, but give me a break here.
I don't think there was anything else I could have done to steer this in another direction, and that sucks. Over the past few months I really started to like him. I was like a teenage girl with a crush, lighting up whenever I got a text from him. But now I find myself in this situation where I've been let down and have to find a way to get over it. It took me a long time to get over Scott, and there are some days I wonder if I really am. This thing with Jacob isn't the same, by any means, but I thought there was something there, and I may have fallen for him just a bit. I don't think he's a douche. Sometimes I wish he was; it would make getting over him easier, but he's always been great to me.
The last straw, after the last game, was when I texted him the other day just to make sure he hadn't been flooded out. I didn't get a response, which really irritated me. I realized that while I took the time to care about and check on him, he didn't care to respond. Why should I make someone a priority when I'm only an option? It's a quote I've heard dozens of times, but I think it applies. I feel like I'm an option with a lot of people, and a lot of the guys in my past. I just want one person to make me a priority. Lots of times I feel like I'm not even a priority in my own life, and maybe that's the problem. I'll take this Florida trip next week to reflect on it and see what I can do differently.
My self-esteem has come a long way in the past few years, but maybe there's still some work to be done. I mentioned to a couple friends about how sometimes I felt like Jacob was too good for me, like I wasn't his type. He seems so clean cut and mature, while I'm pretty rough around the edges and can act like a 12 year old. Naturally they told me to shut up, that no one was too good for me. It quelled some of my thoughts for a little while, but they still creep up every once in awhile. Your friends are supposed to say stuff like that, but sometimes you are your own worst enemy.
I hate that there are now about 5 months until we'll see each other again. He tried to make it ok, saying that there was always the draft party. That only pissed me off more. I felt like I was being blown off. Maybe not seeing him 2 or 3 times a week will help getting over him, but we'll be back in the same situation this fall. I have to try and just be friends with him. Obviously that's where I stand with him, so I have to make the best of it. I just hate being back in this situation. I've sat around just thinking about him, trying to pick out faults to try and make it easier, but it hasn't helped. There isn't any easy way to get over someone. I'm trying to do it without making myself feel emo, but so far it's been hard.
"Desperation, there's danger in frustration." -Miranda Lambert "Desperation"
I don't think I'm desperate by any means. Frustrated, yes. Just get lonely sometimes.
This isn't a post to get any sympathy or anything. I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Writing it down makes me feel better, since I'm not really the best at communicating stuff.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Is it really almost March?
This semester seems to be flying by. Spring break is the week after next. It's already March! I'm not complaining by any means. I am so ready for summer! Me and Ciara will be going to Destin for Chastity's wedding in May, and I cannot wait to be on the beach for some relaxation!
Classes are going well this semester. After this, I only have 2 left, and that prospect thrills me! Granted I have no idea what I want to do after graduation, but I'm choosing to ignore that. I'm just ready to be done with sitting through lectures in crowded classrooms.
Work is going ok. I'm still covering for everyone all the time. I got roped into working spring break, so that should be fun. I am getting better at the whole asking off and not worrying about it. If other people get their weeks off, I'm going to get my measly one day that I ask for. I'm growing balls! Yay progress! Jennifer's maternity leave started yesterday, so the mess of getting the other girls to work started Friday night with me working alone and today with the girl working a half day. Guess some coverage is better than none right?
The Olympic break is almost over and there have been some ups and downs in my "relationship" with Jacob. I've made an idiot out of myself more than once while talking to him, but we seem to still be on track. At least I hope so. He was giving me grief for cheering for Canada last night. He only seems to text me about hockey related stuff. If that's how he gets the nerve to talk to me, then I'm perfectly ok with that. I'm ready to get back to the arena and get some more face time though. I've missed that over the past almost month now. We both seem to be pretty inept at this, so we'll see where it goes from here.
I paid for my Predators playoff tickets in full. So if they flop and disappoint at least that money will go to my balance. Sarah is coming back to visit in three weeks. We're going to St. Louis and I am so excited! Can't believe it crept up already. Seriously, time is flying. It's insane! But I'm excited to see my BFF again, even if only for 2 days or so :)
Guess I'll go back to being bored at work.
An hour and a half longer.....
Classes are going well this semester. After this, I only have 2 left, and that prospect thrills me! Granted I have no idea what I want to do after graduation, but I'm choosing to ignore that. I'm just ready to be done with sitting through lectures in crowded classrooms.
Work is going ok. I'm still covering for everyone all the time. I got roped into working spring break, so that should be fun. I am getting better at the whole asking off and not worrying about it. If other people get their weeks off, I'm going to get my measly one day that I ask for. I'm growing balls! Yay progress! Jennifer's maternity leave started yesterday, so the mess of getting the other girls to work started Friday night with me working alone and today with the girl working a half day. Guess some coverage is better than none right?
The Olympic break is almost over and there have been some ups and downs in my "relationship" with Jacob. I've made an idiot out of myself more than once while talking to him, but we seem to still be on track. At least I hope so. He was giving me grief for cheering for Canada last night. He only seems to text me about hockey related stuff. If that's how he gets the nerve to talk to me, then I'm perfectly ok with that. I'm ready to get back to the arena and get some more face time though. I've missed that over the past almost month now. We both seem to be pretty inept at this, so we'll see where it goes from here.
I paid for my Predators playoff tickets in full. So if they flop and disappoint at least that money will go to my balance. Sarah is coming back to visit in three weeks. We're going to St. Louis and I am so excited! Can't believe it crept up already. Seriously, time is flying. It's insane! But I'm excited to see my BFF again, even if only for 2 days or so :)
Guess I'll go back to being bored at work.
An hour and a half longer.....
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Does he or doesn't he
It's funny how when you stop looking for a relationship there are suddenly a ton of opportunities. I'm currently flirting with the possibility of dating Jacob. Everyone says that he only comes over to talk to me and blah blah blah. So I'm giving in and trying to get a feel for the situation. He is a great guy, and he has done some really nice stuff for me and my friends over the past three years or so. It feels like he's a part of the group, and I like that. The problem is that he is so shy. It's kinda hard to get to know him, and it's so hard to sense the tone through his text messages. So I don't know if everyone saying he likes me is just what they think, or if he actually does. If he does, then things are moving really slow. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm impatient. And now I've got all the thoughts in my head because I'm a girl and over think things WAY too much. Dating is just so awkward. How do just go up to some one and say "I like you. Wanna go out sometime?" It's so much easier said than done. And I wouldn't want to turn the games into an awkward situation for everyone, not just him and I. I just can't be the one to go out on a limb like that. I have been hurt way too many times, and maybe he has too. I just wish I had a better feel for things, and that he wasn't so shy sometimes. But either way, it's nice to have a decent guy to focus on for once. :]
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