Not what I'd hoped

My head has been so full the past week or so. For not really having school or work to worry about, I've been stressing myself out.
The Predators season ended about a week ago, which meant it was the last chance for anything to happen between Jacob and I before the long summer began. I think I made it fairly obvious what I wanted when we were sitting there talking. He's either a complete moron or he wasn't ever interested at all. Not only did the conversation not go as I had hoped, I was cock blocked by a 40+ year old man. We were clearly in a conversation, not even talking about hockey mind you, and Jacob's stalker just plops down at our table and starts talking about the game. At that point, I pretty much knew it was over. The conversation was all hockey from that point on, until I just couldn't take it anymore, said my goodbyes, and went to walk back to the garage with Kelly and Jenn.
I'm really disappointed with the way it all went. Thinking about the texts that had been exchanged throughout the season and the night at Tootsie's just irritates me now. That night was one of my favorites and I had a smile on my face for a week. Jenn was there, but he had invited me and that felt good. I thought that was where things would all change. Obviously, I was mistaken. I even made an effort, inviting him out after a game for a drink, only to be fed something about how he had a lot going on and didn't really have time. I get that, I really do. He works hard and is still in school, but give me a break here.
I don't think there was anything else I could have done to steer this in another direction, and that sucks. Over the past few months I really started to like him. I was like a teenage girl with a crush, lighting up whenever I got a text from him. But now I find myself in this situation where I've been let down and have to find a way to get over it. It took me a long time to get over Scott, and there are some days I wonder if I really am. This thing with Jacob isn't the same, by any means, but I thought there was something there, and I may have fallen for him just a bit. I don't think he's a douche. Sometimes I wish he was; it would make getting over him easier, but he's always been great to me.
The last straw, after the last game, was when I texted him the other day just to make sure he hadn't been flooded out. I didn't get a response, which really irritated me. I realized that while I took the time to care about and check on him, he didn't care to respond. Why should I make someone a priority when I'm only an option? It's a quote I've heard dozens of times, but I think it applies. I feel like I'm an option with a lot of people, and a lot of the guys in my past. I just want one person to make me a priority. Lots of times I feel like I'm not even a priority in my own life, and maybe that's the problem. I'll take this Florida trip next week to reflect on it and see what I can do differently.
My self-esteem has come a long way in the past few years, but maybe there's still some work to be done. I mentioned to a couple friends about how sometimes I felt like Jacob was too good for me, like I wasn't his type. He seems so clean cut and mature, while I'm pretty rough around the edges and can act like a 12 year old. Naturally they told me to shut up, that no one was too good for me. It quelled some of my thoughts for a little while, but they still creep up every once in awhile. Your friends are supposed to say stuff like that, but sometimes you are your own worst enemy.
I hate that there are now about 5 months until we'll see each other again. He tried to make it ok, saying that there was always the draft party. That only pissed me off more. I felt like I was being blown off. Maybe not seeing him 2 or 3 times a week will help getting over him, but we'll be back in the same situation this fall. I have to try and just be friends with him. Obviously that's where I stand with him, so I have to make the best of it. I just hate being back in this situation. I've sat around just thinking about him, trying to pick out faults to try and make it easier, but it hasn't helped. There isn't any easy way to get over someone. I'm trying to do it without making myself feel emo, but so far it's been hard.
"Desperation, there's danger in frustration." -Miranda Lambert "Desperation"
I don't think I'm desperate by any means. Frustrated, yes. Just get lonely sometimes.

This isn't a post to get any sympathy or anything. I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Writing it down makes me feel better, since I'm not really the best at communicating stuff.

Is it really almost March?

This semester seems to be flying by. Spring break is the week after next. It's already March! I'm not complaining by any means. I am so ready for summer! Me and Ciara will be going to Destin for Chastity's wedding in May, and I cannot wait to be on the beach for some relaxation!
Classes are going well this semester. After this, I only have 2 left, and that prospect thrills me! Granted I have no idea what I want to do after graduation, but I'm choosing to ignore that. I'm just ready to be done with sitting through lectures in crowded classrooms.
Work is going ok. I'm still covering for everyone all the time. I got roped into working spring break, so that should be fun. I am getting better at the whole asking off and not worrying about it. If other people get their weeks off, I'm going to get my measly one day that I ask for. I'm growing balls! Yay progress! Jennifer's maternity leave started yesterday, so the mess of getting the other girls to work started Friday night with me working alone and today with the girl working a half day. Guess some coverage is better than none right?
The Olympic break is almost over and there have been some ups and downs in my "relationship" with Jacob. I've made an idiot out of myself more than once while talking to him, but we seem to still be on track. At least I hope so. He was giving me grief for cheering for Canada last night. He only seems to text me about hockey related stuff. If that's how he gets the nerve to talk to me, then I'm perfectly ok with that. I'm ready to get back to the arena and get some more face time though. I've missed that over the past almost month now. We both seem to be pretty inept at this, so we'll see where it goes from here.
I paid for my Predators playoff tickets in full. So if they flop and disappoint at least that money will go to my balance. Sarah is coming back to visit in three weeks. We're going to St. Louis and I am so excited! Can't believe it crept up already. Seriously, time is flying. It's insane! But I'm excited to see my BFF again, even if only for 2 days or so :)

Guess I'll go back to being bored at work.
An hour and a half longer.....

Does he or doesn't he

It's funny how when you stop looking for a relationship there are suddenly a ton of opportunities. I'm currently flirting with the possibility of dating Jacob. Everyone says that he only comes over to talk to me and blah blah blah. So I'm giving in and trying to get a feel for the situation. He is a great guy, and he has done some really nice stuff for me and my friends over the past three years or so. It feels like he's a part of the group, and I like that. The problem is that he is so shy. It's kinda hard to get to know him, and it's so hard to sense the tone through his text messages. So I don't know if everyone saying he likes me is just what they think, or if he actually does. If he does, then things are moving really slow. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm impatient. And now I've got all the thoughts in my head because I'm a girl and over think things WAY too much. Dating is just so awkward. How do just go up to some one and say "I like you. Wanna go out sometime?" It's so much easier said than done. And I wouldn't want to turn the games into an awkward situation for everyone, not just him and I. I just can't be the one to go out on a limb like that. I have been hurt way too many times, and maybe he has too. I just wish I had a better feel for things, and that he wasn't so shy sometimes. But either way, it's nice to have a decent guy to focus on for once. :]

Gobble gobble

I'm at work and the phones are broken. So I'm getting paid time and a half to write this blog. Enjoy!
Things I'm thankful for:

The much improved relationship with my parents
Dad's cancer treatment going seemingly well
Pretty much the most amazing friends I could ever ask for, even if they can be terrible influences on me and my checking account
The fact that my sister came to her senses and is not moving to Colorado, even though it would have been nice to have the upstairs all to myself
DVR, I love it and cannot imagine life without it
Hockey, for keeping me sane and giving me a sometimes healthy way to vent anger
The Predators, for kicking ass this year and proving all the haters wrong
My Blackberry, for making it easier to keep in touch with Sarah without killing my text messages
My job, so many people are struggling and I am so thankful that I'm not in a position of having to worry about how to pay my bills
My parents for believing in me and not letting me get down on myself even though this semester has been really hard on me

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm wearing cranky pants

I don't like having my family in town. My house is annoying enough as it is. The holidays stink. My grandparents came into town, and I'm just not in the mood to deal with the snoring, snide comments, and all the other crap. I wanted a stress free Thanksgiving, but instead I've been barred to my room because it's the only place I can get anywhere close to peace and quiet, even though they snore in the room beneath me. I can't watch TV because they are always talking over it. I will cut someone if they interfere with me watching the Predators game tonight.
I have a crick in my neck, which makes answering phones pretty painful. Why is this day terrible? Is it Friday yet?
Maybe while I'm at work tomorrow I'll type up a blog about being thankful, but today I'm not thankful, just cranky.

I'm not emo, just a lot going on

Since I last wrote, I had an amazing trip to see Sarah and her husband. I had forgotten how much I loved just talking to her. I've missed that a lot since she left, but it was really nice to get to catch up and spend a week out there. I can't wait to go back.
But after that, things kind of fell apart. School and work turned into things I dreaded.
Starting with school, I have been killing myself studying for accounting since our first test. I got a 64 on the first test, with not so much studying. I studied at least 14 hours for our next test. I walked out thinking I had done really well. When he gave them back on Thursday, I was proved wrong. Really wrong. I had gotten a 51 before the gracious 3 point curve. The best score was a 93, and two people got that. What pissed me off even more than him making a big deal about giving us a 3 point curve, was that when we were going over the test, he had those who had done well write the problems the rest of us had trouble with on the board. I'm sorry, but it's not the student's jobs to show us how to do these problems. They don't get paid for that. This is the worst professor I have ever had. He reads us the powerpoints and does no examples. We're teaching ourselves, and I hate that. As an accounting major, I have to get a C or better in this class to move on to Intermediate Accounting 2. After getting a 64 and 51 on the two tests, I decided that it was all but impossible for me to get that grade. Barring some kind of miracle or an act of God, I will not be making a C in this class. I made the decision to change my major to General Business. I need 2 less classes for that degree than I needed for accounting, so I will only have to take 12 credit hours the next 3 semesters until I graduate. The kind of degree doesn't matter; I just want the degree. I have no idea what I want to do after college anyway, so we'll see. Needless to say, I will be ripping my professor a new ass hole when we do evaluations.

As far as work goes, Keshia left about a month or so ago. We all knew she would eventually because she wasn't happy and she never got to see her daughter. She moved to days over at the internal medicine clinic. They finally hired her replacement. It was an outside hire, so she knows nothing. I had to train her in scheduling last week, and needless to say, it was awkward. She seems nice enough, but no one can ever replace Keshia. She's not doing the group leader job yet since she's still trying to learn everything, but I'm still not sure how this is going to work out. The heifers on the other shift still won't work for me when I need them to. I stopped saying yes everytime they try to get me to work, so I'm standing up for myself. I also had to work by myself for 2 days the other week because Jennifer broke her ankle. I wasn't a happy camper.

According to my Facebook news feed last night, Scott got engaged. I didn't even know he was seeing anyone. I hate that he was still texting me as of a couple weeks ago, but never mentioned a thing. I'm not sure I'm ok with this. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me. Ciara told me it would be easier on me to delete him from my friends list, but it's definitely easier said than done. I'd like to say he doesn't mean anything to me, but that would be a lie. There is way too much history, even if it's not as recent as it once was. I've moved on enough to where I'm fine with other guys now, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Part of me wants to get some guy to throw in his face, juvenile as that may be. Seeing this on my news feed last night just killed me. I tossed and turned all night and have been going over it in my head all day. The bitchy side of me hopes she's ugly and as emotionally inept as he is. The latter must be true if she's agreed to marry him.

Throwing that on top of a crappy past couple weeks, it's just been rough going around here. Plus side, the Predators game was pretty awesome last night. At least that part of life seems to be going right.

Blogging instead of packing

I am so excited to be going to Arizona tomorrow. Tennessee has slowly been driving me crazy. And I have missed having Sarah here to help keep me sane. It's going to be so much fun to get to catch up and hang out for a few days. We don't have any big plans, aside from going to Phoenix for the hockey game, and I like it that way. I'm perfectly content with just sitting around and spending time with them out there. It sucks that in the past two years, I've had two of my best friends move away. But it's good that they're doing awesome things with their lives. After school is over, maybe I'll get to leave too.
As hard as school has been this semester, I keep telling myself that after this one, there are only 3 semesters left till I graduate. I have to stick it out because there is no other option. I will get that diploma. These classes and work loads are much more intense, and I just have to learn to adjust. It's a learning process, and I'm taking it as I go. Doing the best I can, and figuring out that's all I can do. Trying not to worry about things too much.
I've got so much to do tonight and tomorrow before I leave, but I love to procrastinate. I am so nervous about flying, but I'm a big girl now. And I can't wait for some stress free vacation.